Friday, December 12, 2008

The Good and The BAD

We at "The Lord's University" have this running joke. It's called the BYU Police Beat. It's basically a list of all of the police reports for the week, and it's just embarrassing. The GOOD NEWS is that I will definitely be a highlight in the BYU police beat this week. Here's the kind of report I'm up against:
-A female resident of Wymount Terrace called in a suspicious phone call in which a man made statements with the intent of hypnotizing the student. The student said she does not remember most of the conversation, but remembers she called him her master. Police say it is virtually impossible to hypnotize someone over the phone.
-The father of a student called BYU police when he had not heard from his daughter for four days. BYU police called the student and told her to call her father.
-A blind deer was found by a resident at the Wymount Terrace. Provo Animal Control was called and they came and took care of the animal. They knew it was blind because it was running into things.
-Police responded to a call about three males with nets and a broom at the pond south of campus. The men were apparently trying to capture a duck. The officer told the men to leave and leave the ducks alone.
-An individual held a sign offering free hugs in the Harold B. Lee Library. When asked by an officer to leave, he declined to leave the area and continued offering free hugs.
-Police found a parked car with two individuals in it in the southeast corner parking lot of 2230 North and University Parkway. Police said the couple was there for “romantic purposes”.
-Road rage overtook two individuals as a female driver was driving behind a male driver and got upset. She said he was driving too slowly, and he said he was driving the speed limit. They discovered they both lived at Wymount, and after parking their cars they yelled at each other. The man later apologized for yelling at the woman.
-A student reported a suspicious individual with long gray hair and a beard inside a restricted lab in the Clyde building. Upon arrival, the officer found a mannequin in the reported location.
-A deer was hit by a vehicle on Ninth East on the south end of Kimball Hall. Police responded and reported that the deer passed away.
-An assault was reported in R Hall of Deseret Towers. One male student threw a bug on another male student who retaliated by spraying shaving cream on the male that threw the bug. Shaving cream got in the eyes of the first student and the argument quickly escalated and became a physical confrontation.
-A report was called in of an older man mumbling to himself on the intramural fields on Canyon Road. The man was gone when police arrived.
-An individual in Deseret Towers reported five suspicious men playing pool in the lobby of one of the halls. Upon investigation it was found the men were simply students playing pool with their girlfriends.
-Female students in Helaman Halls complained about a man in a gorilla suit attempting to scare students near the Cannon Center. When police arrived, there was no sign of either the complainant or the gorilla. Students complained again early Oct. 3 about a man in a gorilla mask. The gorilla has not yet been identified.
-A concerned observer reported a suspicious male in the HBLL quad at 5:45 p.m. When police questioned him, he said he was Free Running, a game where people run fast toward the corners
of buildings or other structures and attempt to climb them without assistance and flip or jump. The suspect was a 26-year old male visitor who said he’d learned of the game through You- Tube. Police directed him to go Free Run somewhere else.
-A student and her roommate were walking by Miller Field when they noticed a possibly unclothed man in the shadows. They reported that he was an estimated 300 pounds but were unable to estimate his age. He told them “hello.”
-Police responded to a call reporting suspicious individuals with red paint. It was subsequently determined that these individuals were paint contractors who were painting a fence on campus.
-A student reported a theft that had happened three weeks earlier. The student said he went into the bathroom, and when he came out his backpack was gone. The backpack contained a packed lunchbox, a fork and a bus pass.
-A student employee’s mother called BYU police after her son had not returned home from work when she expected. Police checked on the student’s workplace where they found the student was still working.
-Police received a call from the assistant principal at a private school in Salt Lake County. A fourth-grade student had told the assistant principal his dad was making a bomb in the garage to blow up the BYU football stadium. Following immediate investigation, police discovered the child wasn’t telling the truth.
-Police received a complaint about a man with a rope on the east side of the library attempting to lasso people as they walked by. The man was gone when police arrived.
-A student reported talking to a man with a chainsaw on the north side of the Wilkinson Center. The man said he was going to “cut him a Christmas tree.” Officers never found the suspect.

Now for the BAD NEWS: I will definitely be a highlight in the BYU police beat this week. Last night, I came out of my last class of the semester (Hallelujah!) and found my front driver-side light in pieces all over the ground. No note. Nothing but a bunch of my car laying on the ground. Hit and run. I called Jed and he came over, and then we called the BYU police to report it and it took the cop 30 minutes to get there. Campus is not that big... So we filed a report and now it's just a waiting game. At least I'm not up for inspection any time soon. I'm just so mad. I hope they catch the jerk/coward who did this. If you see any white sedans around Provo with light blue paint chips and maybe some scratches on the corner of the car, get the plates and let me know. Of course there are no cameras. There are just "policemen", who do nothing and are slow to respond to things. Go Cougars...

My frame isn't quite as damaged as this one, but close. And the casing around my light is completely shot.


Laurel said...

"-A student reported a suspicious individual with long gray hair and a beard inside a restricted lab in the Clyde building. Upon arrival, the officer found a mannequin in the reported location."

Okay, this one made me burst out laughing! I can't believe they report this kind of stuff. :)

Bill said...

Sorry to hear about your car; hope they quickly catch and torture the dork who did it. That police blotter is hilarious. It reminded me of when Kara and I were there, and there was a mysterious "Mad Haircutter" on the loose. He would sneak up on girls who were asleep in the library and cut off their hair. The Daily Universe created a "composite sketch" of the perp. The sketch looked like literally every blond male student on campus. The "alternative" student newspaper subsequently ran a parody of the sketch. It consisted of a circle with a smily face in it. Ahhh, good times in Zoobieville.

aubrie said...

oooh my goodness, those are hilarious!! i remember annemarie dittmar and i laughing hysterically at the byu-i ones. they included, "farm sprinkler spraying the road." and, "girl suspects roommate might be member of chinese mafia." and, "schoolbus of children seen beating bush at porter park." OK, i'll stop... but sorry to hear about your car! :)