Thursday, August 9, 2012

Honesty Moment

I am scared. Really scared.
I've tried not to think about the fact that this thing growing inside me will soon be on the outside and it'll be up to me to keep it fed, entertained, alive. Because truth is...when I think about it, I have anxiety attacks.

I'm not scared about the actual birth. I know my body was made for this.

The thing is... I'm selfish. I like having all day to do what I want, when I want, how I want, for as long as I want, without anyone telling me otherwise. I also love the fact that I can sleep whenever I want, for as long as I want, and right now I'm getting about 10 hours of sleep each night. I am not ready to give all of that up and be on someone else's schedule.

I am not ready for something to be latched on me 24/7 and literally sucking the life out of me. I'm not ready to be at someone else's beck and call.

What if he's colicky? What if we have trouble breastfeeding and it's really challenging for the both of us? What if I get so impatient with him and I'm so sleep-deprived that I want to abandon him at the local fire department?

I am a planner. Not knowing when he will arrive hasn't bugged me yet because I've still got a few weeks until it's really real. But the other unknowns are wigging me out.

6 comments:

Girly Winston said...

I don't have any babies of my own yet, but I do know that when they are born they start off sleeping 23 hours a day. You see, they are nice like that and help you form a routine slowly. As long as you are not a dramatic person, you will be able to handle what comes your way. You will have highs and lows, but I know you are going to do great!

Laurel said...

Just know that I'm pretty sure everyone (in one way or another) has gone through this and had felt the same way you're feeling. I know I did when I was waiting for Eli to be born. It's such a life-changing thing that you can't anticipate how it's going to make you feel before it happens. But it also works on the other side of the coin as well. You have no idea how IN LOVE you will be with this little guy, and once he's here and you hold him, all that other stuff becomes a little easier to deal with.

Of course it's not going to be easy, of course you're going to have nights when you're just so tired that you feel like you can't do it, but you know what? You do. You just do it and get through it and do the very best you can, and that will be enough.

Hang in there. You won't always be in this moment, soon having a kid will be a normal, everyday occurrence for ya! ;)

Love you!

Jill and Dane said...

That is the scary thing about having a baby, you have no idea what the experience will be like for you. There are 1000 variables. The only constant is Heavenly Father and his plan for you. Keep your faith in him with a "come what may" attitude and one way or another you will get through any challenge that may come your way. He wouldn't let you go through anything that you can't succeed at. And any challenges you do have will make you even stronger once you get through them. :) You'll be a great Mom.

Emily@Little Forever Family said...

Every baby is so different. I take see hundreds of babies each month, and care for about 30-40 different babies, and each one has their own schedule and their own personality. You will be amazed that first time this little guy us placed in your arms. All those worries will melt away. I am in no way saying you will not miss the freedom, heaven knows I do (maybe that makes me a selfish mom) but what is even more amazing is the love that little guy will have for you. You are his momma, he has heard your voice every day of his life, even if it was just the vibration. You can lose it, yell scream, even spank, and he will still adore you. He will want you to hold him when it hurts, he will try to get you to smile, he will become your's and Jed's everything. Of course there are moments when you wonder if dropping them off to the firehouse (or their former foster parents) would be best, but it will be okay.

Mandy Lackey said...

You got this, doll. I've admired you as a friend and woman for a couple of years now and have seen the amount of love you give to kids that are not even your own. I echo the sentiments that the joy that you will experience will outweigh any temporary inconvenience. I know it's scary, but just as you have faith in the divine design of your body to carry you through labor, we have been designed even more so to be mothers and to seamlessly transition into giving care to the precious souls who enter the earth. And, as you already know, children aren't on "high demand" mode all the time... if they were, we would be a world of single children families. :) You will still have time for the things you enjoy and you will find balance. Always remember that you are not alone - you will go to your Heavenly Father countless of times on behalf of your son. Your spouse is going to be your biggest support. And you have a network of loved ones around to be there on hard days (I am looking forward to it). You got this, Ali. I know it and I'm so looking forward to seeing you with your precious boy in your arms. I love you and am so excited for you to have that "moment" with your child... where they lay on your chest and it seems like a piece of heaven has been plucked out just for you.

e. said...

And this is why I don't have children yet ;) You'll be a terrific mother, Ali. I know it.